The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
