winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
