The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
