sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
