Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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