I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
