How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
