Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
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