so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
