whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
