I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She bit a glass in half.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
