is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
