one might say we're banned from that church
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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