i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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