I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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