I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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