I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
