Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
