I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
did i just pee glitter
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