I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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