who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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