Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
