It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
