So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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