I hope mine doesn't look like that
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
