Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
