Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
