Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
