so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
