someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
