May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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