awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
