Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
