I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
