I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
