im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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