I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I think I sprained my soul last night
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
