I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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