I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you would pick up someone in the library
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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