what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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