he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
