He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
