Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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