Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
