I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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