I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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