so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
