i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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