I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
