Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
