I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
